I'm not having the best of days but I'm not having the worst of days. I'm sitting here crying for multiple reasons. First off I feel like a failure and in more than one way. Second I'm rather terrified about the future.
Both reasons play together in how I am feeling.
I had a chance to share the gospel. I was being questioned about my faith. It was while I was working so I had to keep working while trying to explain. I felt inadequate and couldn't put sentences together. On top of all that, the person laughed. I've been thinking about that ever since. I feel like I have failed. Not myself but God. I constantly fail Him and He always takes me back. I don't deserve it.
This morning at church the sermon was on bitterness and it really hit home. I have bitterness toward some people and this needs to change. After church, I was feeling the need to cry so I took a drive out to Lake Argyle State park and sat down and read my Bible (which is something I never do). I read the book of James. It was what I needed. I know God lead me out to the park whether it was just to read or there is another reason I don't know yet. God is good. I am not.
After I got back, I made lunch and sat down to look at job postings. This is something I am most terrified about. I don't know where to look. I don't think I'm qualified for anything. I'm afraid of rejection. To add to that, all the ones I had saved are no longer taking applications. So I start looking for more jobs, I have about 10 in the tabs along with this blog post and I just start crying.
I've also been thinking about the future a lot. Where I'm going to be. What I'm going to be doing. Who I'm going to be with. When I'll get married. In a month, I'll be leaving Macomb...and going back to Le Roy. There is nothing wrong with this, but it makes me feel like I've failed because I don't have a job and not going out on my own. Everyone keeps asking me about the jobs hunt and I get defensive and I don't want to answer. I'm terrified. It's not that I don't want a job. It's the fact I feel inadequate for everything out there.
Just everything piled up and then having alone time to think has finally hit the overflow point. If I was with someone, I'd still be composed. Since I'm alone, I'm a blubbering mess. I'm currently listening to "Remind Me Who I Am" by Jason Gray. Although I am crying, I know God loves me and I belong to him. I am his beloved.
Some people may be worried about me after this post, but they shouldn't be. It's something I needed. God has me and He knows what is best. He'll lead me where I need to be. Everything will be done on His time and me applying myself.
