Terrified

I'm not having the best of days but I'm not having the worst of days. I'm sitting here crying for multiple reasons. First off I feel like a failure and in more than one way. Second I'm rather terrified about the future.

Both reasons play together in how I am feeling.

I had a chance to share the gospel. I was being questioned about my faith. It was while I was working so I had to keep working while trying to explain. I felt inadequate and couldn't put sentences together. On top of all that, the person laughed. I've been thinking about that ever since. I feel like I have failed. Not myself but God. I constantly fail Him and He always takes me back. I don't deserve it.

This morning at church the sermon was on bitterness and it really hit home. I have bitterness toward some people and this needs to change. After church, I was feeling the need to cry so I took a drive out to Lake Argyle State park and sat down and read my Bible (which is something I never do). I read the book of James. It was what I needed. I know God lead me out to the park whether it was just to read or there is another reason I don't know yet. God is good. I am not.

After I got back, I made lunch and sat down to look at job postings. This is something I am most terrified about. I don't know where to look. I don't think I'm qualified for anything. I'm afraid of rejection. To add to that, all the ones I had saved are no longer taking applications. So I start looking for more jobs, I have about 10 in the tabs along with this blog post and I just start crying. 

I've also been thinking about the future a lot. Where I'm going to be. What I'm going to be doing. Who I'm going to be with. When I'll get married. In a month, I'll be leaving Macomb...and going back to Le Roy. There is nothing wrong with this, but it makes me feel like I've failed because I don't have a job and not going out on my own. Everyone keeps asking me about the jobs hunt and I get defensive and I don't want to answer. I'm terrified.  It's not that I don't want a job. It's the fact I feel inadequate for everything out there.

Just everything piled up and then having alone time to think has finally hit the overflow point. If I was with someone, I'd still be composed. Since I'm alone, I'm a blubbering mess. I'm currently listening to "Remind Me Who I Am" by Jason Gray. Although I am crying, I know God loves me and I belong to him. I am his beloved.

Some people may be worried about me after this post, but they shouldn't be. It's something I needed. God has me and He knows what is best. He'll lead me where I need to be. Everything will be done on His time and me applying myself.

Mexico

Any one who knows me knows I love Mexico. I tend to talk about it a lot especially when I have my pictures around me. Last summer was probably the best/hardest/most life changing summer of my life. It has made me who I am today and I will never forget it. Not only do I have pictures and memories, I got Amor tattooed on my wrist last December as a constant reminder of what God did in my life last summer.

Why am I talking about this now? Well this summer Casas por Cristo hired interns and then had to tell them they couldn't come because there were not teams for them to lead. 4 of those 7 decided to say "who needs teams? let's still go and build" They put their faith in God to raise money and keep them safe all summer to build houses for 10 families. Here is their video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3fSy65ch4mI&feature=channel_video_title

They absolutely inspire me. Would I have been able to do that? They really show how much faith they have in God to be able to do that. In 2007, they built 405 houses in Juarez alone. This year in Juarez they are scheduled to build 75. It breaks my heart that in less than 5 years, there has been an 80% decrease in building in Juarez. Yes there is violence. I'm not ignoring that fact. But don't we serve a God who is bigger than that? Bigger than everything the world can throw at us?

There are shooting everyday here in the US. What makes Juarez different from here? Is it that we are just too comfortable in our own locked houses with comfy couches and air conditioning? Are you just to callus to the hurt the world is in? Or do you not trust in God that he will keep us safe?

Matthew 28: 19-20 says "Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." First thing Jesus said is GO. He doesn't say stay in your comfy home and let things happen. GO and make disciples.

They never said being a Christian was easy.

1 Peter 4:12-19 says "Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice inasmuch as you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed. If you are insulted because of the name of Christ, you are blessed, for the Spirit of glory and of God rests on you. If you suffer, it should not be as a murderer or thief or any other kind of criminal, or even as a meddler. However, if you suffer as a Christian, do not be ashamed, but praise God that you bear that name. For it is time for judgment to begin with God’s household; and if it begins with us, what will the outcome be for those who do not obey the gospel of God? And, “If it is hard for the righteous to be saved, what will become of the ungodly and the sinner?” So then, those who suffer according to God’s will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good."

This has been on my heart lately. And it just came out this morning when I watched the video about those crazy interns. I wish I could do more for the people in Mexico.

These people are the ones I called family last summer and still think of them as such.

My tattoo. Amor is Spanish for love.

Two beautiful girls who now have a home to live in because God is good! I'm so thankful I got to be a part of building their home.

Rebel with a cause

I couldn't really come up with a title...so I used the word rebel in the following section and thought that that title might be appropriate.
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I wrote this on the 5th of June the night before crossing over into Juarez with my home church to build a house with Casas por Cristo:

I don't really tend to go with the crowd. I know my stance and you won't sway me. I LOVE Juarez and no one can change that. I love the people, the community, and the faith the people have. Tonight a lady in El Paso over heard that we were going into Juarez the next day. She looked terrified. I know there is danger but there is danger everywhere. I sometimes feel like going into Juarez is my act of rebellion. Doing exactly the opposite of what society wants and says. But I know God wants me here. Even for just a week He has a purpose for me being down here. This time with my mom. I don't think I could be more proud. She is just amazing for taking this step of faith to follow God.
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My thoughts since the trip? It was one of the most amazing trips :) and I got to share it with my mom! She got to see how and why I fell in love with the people down there. (and I'm pretty sure I got her hooked :D)

This trip was the first trip where I knew I would probably never lead a house again. It was weird. I mean I went on a trip in January but I thought I'd be back in the summer to lead but that didn't happen so I was kind of a tag-a-long on my home church's trip. During the first part I kept thinking I should have been down there for the summer but I know that God has other plans for me. I have been helping friends with stuff this summer and some friendships are getting stronger and I've met new friends. It's just crazy to think that I'll probably never lead again.

I was planning on going again this summer but things fell through. We were supposed to be leaving today. I have spent all but like 15 min alone today so I've been thinking a lot. It has really been laying on my heart that I wish I was down there. Makes me wish I would have tried a little harder to get down there but I can't change that.

blessed

I don't nearly write on this as often as I think of things. I have several things going through my head right now but one is always there...Mexico. I think about Juarez and Acuna often. Sometimes I take walks by myself to just think and today was one of those days. As I was walking thru WIU campus, I noticed the construction. Not that I hadn't noticed it before but it made me think a different way today. They are redoing the main road thru campus, the road I know most students and people who drive on it say it is about time they redid that road. Well it reminded me of Mexico. Driving thru Juarez constantly bouncing in our truck, seeing the Mexican workers on the side of the road volcano mixing concrete for sidewalks. It hit me how blessed we are. There were so many machines and fancy things for redoing this road. They have unions for the construction workers so they get paid fairly. And in Juarez they don't have that. Shovels and hand trowels are their tools and if you don't show up for work you may not have a job when you come back. Also I was walking by myself, which in Juarez you don't do. I feel safe here to go out and do things alone when in Juarez you always have someone with you.

Yes, I feel blessed for all of those things and so much more. Sometimes I forget and then I get that slap in the face because I catch myself wanting more and I feel guilty. But while being thankful for what I have is good, it doesn't help the knot in my stomach when I think about all the families that don't have adequate housing. It breaks my heart and it makes me wish I could do more cause I feel so selfish.

I am extremely blessed and I know it. I'm writing this in an air conditioned apt with running water that I share with some crazy (in the good way) roommates (who aren't here at the moment). I have AWESOME friends, AMAZING family, a job I like which gives me income, and in a year I'll done with my bachelors. God is great and I thank him everyday for what he has given me.

heart broken

This week has been one for the stress record books.

Lots of homework, lab reports, papers, quizzes, and tests. Plus I got a phone call from Casas. I will not be going back this summer...That statement completely broke my heart. I spent most of the day crying and wondering why I didn't I try to lead more. Why, why, why am I not going back?

At first, I was furious. I had thought that I'd never go back again. Then I realized how selfish I was being and that is not the way to act. God has a plan for me and I shouldn't be mad because I didn't get my way. One of my favorite sayings is "We plan, God laughs." He knows what is right for our lives not us. It's not about me, it's about showing His love no matter where I am or what I'm doing.

I didn't understand but I knew the reasons. I understood the reasons, and if I were in their position, I would have made the same decision.

First thing I did was text some people who I had been talking about the summer with. Next I texted Jason asking where he was cause I needed to be with someone. I ended up texting a lot more people cause there are so many people who knew I wanted to go back. When I got to Jason's, he saw me crying, gave me a hug, and I told him that Casas had called. His response "Oh, crap." Probably the funniest thing at the moment. That just meant he knew what happened. He knew I wasn't going back and that I was really upset. We talked through my crying and I'm so lucky to have him and all my other friends and family. The message I got from almost everyone is that God has a plan for my summer and Casas isn't it but he is going to use me in the way that he has planned.

Here I am 12 hours later, way calmed down thanks to friends, family, and work. Yes I still tear up occasionally as I am working on my chemistry, but it happens. I know there is a plan for my summer and it is going to be what God wants, not what I want. Depending on what God has in store for me this summer, I may be down in Mexico for a week, but again it is up to Him.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

He knows. I don't. I'm going to trust him. It's not about me but about Him. He's has got me in his hands.

life as I know it...

will never be the same. I have been changed.

When I got home 2 months ago, I had culture shock. I was no longer building houses. I had chores to do. I had to get ready to go to school. It was like I blinked and the summer was gone. It felt like a dream and I just wanted to go back to sleep. I wanted to go back. During the week I was home, I had 4 appointments and I had to move my stuff to Macomb. On top of that I walked a 5k with my mom. She has made me super proud. She kept up with me and we finished in a little over 50 minutes.

I'm now half way through the semester and I can't believe it. I don't know where the time went. I feel like I haven't been back that long and yet it feels so long ago that I was there. I cannot wait to go back!! CSC will be headed down on January 1st, 2011!!

Any way that's the update on my life. I may or may not post more but I felt I needed to post the rest of my weeks up just to make sure I remember them. I miss them.


<3 Lisa

last weeks of the internship

First I want to apologize for not posting about my last weeks at Casas. Things were crazy busy and then when I returned home I had a week and then I was back at school starting classes and everything. Things have calmed down now and I realized I had not posted for a long time. I am not good at this whole blogging thing. But here is what happened since I last wrote in July.

So the next week was probably the hardest week of my entire summer. Brittany and I had 17 people to build a double when usually there are 18 or more. We were building in a tight space and had to cut the house down by a foot which threw off our roof. The biggest thing that week was me destroying my middle finger with my hammer. It was about twice the size and we had to put a hole in it to drain the blood. I thought I was going to pass out. But this was a blessing in disguise. The father of the family we were building for was born in the US and is a missionary to Acuna. He met and fell in love with a Mexican woman and now they are married and have 4 daughters. He was such a blessing to have because of his example. Also while I was draining the blood from my finger, I was sitting in their house with his wife. She understood more English than she could speak and I could understand more Spanish than I could speak. So there we were talking to each other. Both of us trying to use the others language but mostly using our own and still understanding and communicating with each other. It was amazing! I felt like everything was going wrong that week, but the family was so gracious and the team worked really hard, and in the end we were able to give the family a working house. God is AMAZING!!!

Friday we came back to El Paso and on Saturday, the interns and Brandon and Miguel and Martin were out working on our Intern Project. Building 3 houses for the families whose houses had burned down. We poured 3 slabs, built 3 sets of walls, and stood 2 of them all in one day. That night Amy had us over for dinner and just hanging out. I left early cause I was exhausted and was not in the greatest of moods. I needed some time to myself. Then on Sunday Aubrie and I traveled back to Acuna to lead our last house without a staff member. We built a house for a family of 3 with one on the way. The father walked into the house and said it's so big. I felt really blessed to build for them. The mother had faith in God that he would provide her with a house before her baby was born. I pray this family is doing well. After the dedication on Thursday, we went to an orphanage. The kids were so full of life and I loved playing with them. I rolled my ankle again here while I had a little girl on my back. Thankfully I was able to get my balance and got Andrea off my back without falling.

On the way to shop in Acuna, I got a call from Janette who told me to call Christi Reed because some one I knew had passed away. I called and found out my beautiful and vivacious friend Kerstin had passed away. I had a hard time composing myself in front of the team and they all found out. Janette had also told me that I would be joining her and Caleb on a weekend build starting on Saturday. This would be my last build of the summer.

We built with a team from Texas and had a blast. It was a great last build. It was kind of a blur to me but it was a lot of fun. On arriving back in El Paso, Caleb and I got the day off. The next day we had to take inventory of all the tool kits that we used in Juarez. After the rest of the interns returned from Acuna, we dedicated the burn houses. The faith of the families was amazing. They were so thankful and just wonderful to see them get new houses after what they had gone through. After the dedication, we had our last meal at Josue's. Man I miss that place. haha We went back to El Paso, cleaned up and headed over to a church in El Paso that we had helped earlier in the summer. They held a dinner and invited us to come. It was cool to see them again and talk about how much had changed since the beginning of the summer.

During our last week of our internship, we took a trip to the Grand Canyon. It was so beautiful and amazing place to reflect on what happened this summer. Pictures can not show how big it it but when I was there it just looked like a picture. I couldn't believe I was there. AMAZING!!! When we got back, I had a full day in El Paso and then my flight was the next morning. I couldn't believe it was time to go home.

<3 Lisa